The Importance of Civility

It is difficult to handle controversy and perhaps harder still to do so with true civility. From the time children begin to understand their relationship to others - as siblings, as kids on a school playground – they are socialized to avoid conflict. For some, “No fighting” and “Be nice” are messages that shaped our behaviors. For others, getting what they want by fighting reinforces the use of power and the disregard of others. How many individuals interpret and approach conflict may be traced back to these early messages. People may have learned that they can either be strictly right or wrong; that one person’s point of view is more valid than another’s; and perhaps that disagreement is synonymous with fighting. It is no surprise, then, that many would want to avoid speaking up when they disagree. This is the message that has been learned and one that has consistently been reinforced through many life experiences.

Civility however, is more complex than just “not fighting” and “being nice.” Civility certainly does not require that a person stay quiet when he or she disagrees, pretending that all is well when it is not. Instead, it means learning how both to voice disagreement and to respond to disagreement from others in a way that respects other points of view. In “The Virtues of Leadership,” Thomas J. Sergiovanni (2005) describes civily as a virtue “that embraces diversity, encourages tolerance, and legitimizes controversy. Civility builds frameworks within which people can cooperate despite their divergent views and interests.”

As much as civility may be thought of as a great character trait, it is also an attitude, a behavior, and , in the Social Change Model¹, it is a value. It requires the belief that there is not just one “right” point of view, but that everyone will see an issue slightly differently, depending on his or her background and previous experiences. Civility does not require the group to agree with every opinion that is raised, but each opinion should be listened to with respect and taken under consideration while considering the issue or making the decision…

In effect, Controversy with Civility challenges group participants to discuss diverse opionions and perspectives, while maintaining respect for those sharing other views. Without regard for respect or consideration of other’s ideas, group members can quickly lose themselves in the “heat” of an argument, preferring to “win” or give up and “lose” rather than truly understand the issue and solve the problem. By creating an environment in which various opinions are valued, a group can promote constructive discourse in order to negotiate a favorable outcome.

---abstract from Susan R. Komives, Wendy Wagner, and Associates (2009) Leadership for a better world: understanding the social change model of leadership development. 

Trusting Appropriately

Should you always trust others? Of course not. Some people behave in very untrustworthy ways, and you should not make yourself vulnerable to them. You need to be able to tell when it is appropriate to be trusting and when it is not. You must develop the capacity to size up situations and make an enlightened decision about when, whom, and how much to trust. Remember not to reveal yourself so fast to another person that he or she is overpowered and bewildered. Remember, too, there are situations in which trust is inappropriate and destructive to your interests.

Never trusting and always trusting are inappropriate. Trust is appropriate only when you are relatively confident that the other person will behave in such a way that you will benefit rather than be harmed by your risk, or when you are relatively sure the other person will not exploit your vulnerability. In some situations, such a competitive ones, trust is not appropriate. When you have a mean, vicious, hostile boss who has taken advantage of your openness in the past, it is inappropriate to engage in trusting behavior in the present.

David W. Johnson (2014) Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-actualization. Boston: Pearson. P.105.

Giving Feedback Constructively

1. Give feedback on others’ behavior, not their personality.
2. Give descriptive, not judgmental, feedback.
3. Give feedback on others’ actions in a specific situation, not in the abstract.
4. Give feedback on immediate behavior, not on past behavior.
5. Share your perceptions and feelings, not advice.
6. Give feedback only when other people ask you to.
7. Do not give people more feedback than others can understand at the time.
8. Focus your feedback on actions that the person can change.

David W. Johnson (2014) Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-actualization. Boston: Pearson. P.63.

Fear of Disapproval

The fear of disapproval, though less dramatic than the irrational fear of death and of old age, is a hardly less significant expression of unconscious guilt feeling. Here also we find the irrational distortion of a normal attitude: man naturally wants to be accepted by his fellows; but modern man wants to be accepted by everybody and therefore is afraid to deviate, in thinking, feeling, and acting, from the cultural pattern. One reason among others for this irrational fear of disapproval is an unconscious guilt feeling. If man cannot approve of himself because he fails in the task of living productively, he has to substitute approval by others for approval by himself. This craving for approval can be fully understood only if we recognize it as a moral problem, as the expression of the all-pervasive though unconscious guilt feeling.

Erich Fromm (1947) Man for Himself: An Inquiry into the Psychology of Ethics, p.168.