Love Defined

 

         ... Love is too large, too deep ever to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words.... One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at  a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.

 

          ...First, it may be noticed that it is a teleological definition; the behaviour is defined in terms of the goal or purpose it seems to serve - in this case, spiritual growth....

          Second, it may be notice that, as defined, love is a strangely circular process. For the process of extending one's self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one's limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being. Thus the act of loving is an act of self-evolution even when the purpose of the act is someone else's growth. It is through reaching toward evolution that we evolve.

 

          Third, this unitary definition of love includes self-love with love for the other. Since I am human and you are human, to love humans means to love myself as well as you. To be dedicated to human spiritual development is to be dedicated to the race of which we are a part, and this therefore means dedication to our own development as well as "theirs".  Indeed, as has been pointed out, we are incapable of loving another unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we ourselves are self-disciplined. Is is actually impossible to forsake our own spiritual development in favour of someone else's. We cannot forsake self-discipline and at the same time be disciplined in our care for another. We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength. As we proceed in our exploration of the nature of love, I believe it will become clear that not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but that ultimately they are indistinguishable.

 

          Fourth, the act of extending one's limits implies effort. One extends one's limits only by exceeding them, and exceeding limits requires effort. When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion - through the fact that for that someone we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.

 

          Finally, by use of the word 'will' I have attempted to transcend the distinction between desire and action. Desire is not necessarily translated into action. Will is desire of sufficient intensity that it is translated into action. The difference between the two is equal to the difference between saying 'I would like to go swimming tonight' and 'I will go swimming tonight'. Everyone in our culture desires to some extent to be loving, yet many are not in fact loving. I therefore conclude that the desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will - namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.
 

excerpt from: Scott Peck(1978) The Road Less Travelled.

pdf document : Love Defined

愛情與夢想

          ......每一個人都曾經有過夢想，人自孩提時代，在繽紛鮮艷的貼紙、色彩豐富的童話故事中，已經開始織夢。在青少年時期夢想逐漸成形，在成年時期以生命抉擇、職業、生活形態把夢想體現出來；有時侯，人亦會被迫在現實的壓力和種種限制下，把夢埋藏。

 

          夢想是甚麼？夢想一方面牽繫於個人的潛能氣質，另方面是對世界的感知和回應。夢想可以說是人自孩提起與世界交往接觸而產生的憧憬和核心願望，也是推動一個人進取前進的生命力量。

 

          一個少年人感知世界顛沛流離，而又有幸碰見可羨慕的偉人榜樣，可能會產生夢想成為革命家、醫生、宣教士、社會工作者；一個敏感而情感豐富的心靈，接觸到世界的變幻多姿、喜怒哀樂，可能渴望成為音樂家、畫家、文學家、藝術工作者。

 

          有些人在成長過程中慢慢將夢想孵化成可以投身的事業，然而更多人的夢想缺乏水分、陽光栽培，於是夢想只有一個含糊的輪廓。例如一個人的志願是可以多關心別人、幫助別人，或者可以自由自在，環宇飛翔。

 

          有一些人卻未能深入地探索或發揮自己的內在氣質，夢想建基於某些匱乏經驗的追認補償，例如要出人頭地、吐氣揚眉，高薪厚職、生活舒適，不再受人白眼，或一洗窮酸悶氣。這是匱乏文化的特殊現象。經濟起飛了的西歐社會，有更多青少年人的夢想是外展的，挑戰自我限制的，如攀登額菲爾士峰，做一個戰地記者，或科學研究員，研究宇宙、海洋、星際的奧祕。

 

         有些人限於一些強大的外在合模壓力，可能從來就沒有成長的空間，也沒有被引導認識自己、感知世界，只不過世襲他人的願望，如父母、長輩或社會的期望，做個成功人士，做醫生、律師、會計師，做一個合流而有體面的人。未曾建立自己夢想，或早年夢想夭折的，最容易在中年以後，或退休時期出現目標真空的危機感，對人生感到莫大的悵惘。

 

          許多時候，人的夢想代表了這個人的生命核心，包括他一生的關懷、他的生命取向，和人生的價值所在.....

 

          人生是一段旅程，人生出來便展開了尋覓意義，背負使命的行旅。一個人獨自在人生旅程中尋夢，自由自在，可以全神貫注，無後顧之憂，可是沒有共享共分擔的伴侶，這樣的旅程也是孤單的，所以，情愛與婚姻是一份恩賜、是一種抉擇，這個伴侶能否配合我的人生步調？能否與我同步前行？我對他的愛和照顧能否與自己與人生的熱愛和追求並行不悖，抑或水火不容、互相埋怨、彼此拖累？

 

          ......說到底，終身廝守的愛情本身也是一個高貴的夢想。既然，每一個被創造的人都是一個尊貴的仁者，那麼，我們不是去嫁或娶一個服侍我的僕婢、一個使我體面的裝飾品、一個隨我使喚的助手；而是必恭必敬地迎接一項神聖的使命，從對方父親手中接來一個可貴的生命，終身保謢她/他、愛護她/他，竭力尋求她/他的幸福，彼此尋求對方的幸福，相識相遇，此生不渝。

摘錄自霍玉蓮《怎可以一生一世》

pdf 文件: 愛情與夢想

Being Loved

          IS LOVE an art? Then it requires knowledge and effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is a matter of chance, something one "falls into” if one is lucky? This little book is based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the majority of people today believe in the latter. Not that people think that love is not important. They are starved for it; they watch endless numbers of films about happy and unhappy love stories, they listen to hundreds of trashy songs about love — yet hardly anyone thinks that there is anything that needs to be learned about love.

          This peculiar attitude is based on several premises which either singly or combined tend to uphold it. Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable. In pursuit of this aim they follow several paths. One, which is especially used by men, is to be successful, to be as powerful and rich as the social margin of one's position permits. Another, used especially by women, is to make oneself attractive, by cultivating one's body, dress, etc. Other ways of making oneself attractive, used both by men and women, are to develop pleasant manners, interesting conversation, to be helpful, modest, inoffensive. Many of the ways to make oneself lovable are the same as those used to make oneself successful, "to win friends and influence people." As a matter of fact, what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.

          A second premise behind the attitude that there is nothing to be learned about love is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object, not the problem of a faculty. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love — or to be loved by — is difficult. This attitude has several reasons rooted in the development of modern society. One reason is the great change which occurred in the twentieth century with respect to the choice of a "love object."

          In the Victorian age, as in many traditional cultures, love was mostly not a spontaneous personal experience which then might lead to marriage. On the contrary, marriage was contracted by convention — either by the respective families, or by a marriage broker, or without the help of such intermediaries; it was concluded on the basis of social considerations, and love was supposed to develop once the marriage had been concluded.

          In the last few generations the concept of romantic love has become almost universal in the Western world. In the United States, while considerations of a conventional nature are not entirely absent, to a vast extent people are in search of "romantic love," of the personal experience of love which then should lead to marriage. This new concept of freedom in love must have greatly enhanced the importance of the object as against the importance of the function.

---excerpt from: Erich Fromm(1956) The Art of Loving.

pdf document: Being Loved

Four Kinds of Emotions

          Emotions can be divided into four main categories. The biologically based category is called "adaptive primary emotions"; two more culturally based categories are referred to as "secondary emotions" and "instrumental emotions"; and a final category, in which biological and cultural factors interact, is called "maladaptive primary emotions".

          It is only the experience and expression of adaptive primary emotions that convey biologically adaptive information that aids in problem-solving, unified action, and constructive interaction. Secondary emotional reactions often take the form of defensive coping strategies and are couterproductive in creating change; their expression is, in fact, often problematic...

Instrumental or functional emotions are emotions that serve a primarily interpersonal function and are often referred to as "roles" or "manipulative feelings"; examples are expressing helplessness to gain sympathy or expressing anger to avoid responsiblity...

          Maladaptive primary emotional responses are direct immediate responses to situations, such as fear of heights, in which the biological response has become maladaptive. These come about through a negative learning history in which certain feelings become conditioned to particular stimuli...

Primary emotions, as opposed to secondary reactive and instrumental emotions, are often not fully in awareness... It is "getting in touch" with these feelings that seems to be helpful to therapeutic change. When a woman is able to fully experience the loneliness or fear underlying her aloofness or a man is able to experience without blame the hurt he feels, the couple will melt into genuine intimate contact...

excerpt from: Greenberg & Johnson (1988) Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

pdf document: Four Kinds of Emotions

Idolatrous Love

  

       

         A form of pseudo-love which is not infrequent and is often experienced as the "great love" is idolatrous love. If a person has not reached the level where he has a sense of identity, of I-ness, rooted in the productive unfolding of his own powers, he tends to "idolize" the loved person. He is alienated from his own powers and projects them into the loved person, who is worshiped  as the summum bonum, the bearer of all love, all light, all bliss. In this process he deprives himself of all sense of strength, loses himself in the loved one instead of finding himself. Since usually no person can, in the long run, live up to the expectations of her (or his) idolatrous worshiper, disappointment is bound to occur, and as a remedy a new idol is sought for, sometimes in an unending circle.

          What is characteristic for this type of idolatrous love is, at the beginning, the intensity and suddenness of the love experience. This idolatrous love is often described as the true, great love; but while it is meant to portray the intensity and depth of love, it only demonstrates the hunger and despair of the idolator...

excerpt from: Erich Fromm(1956) The Art of Loving

pdf document: Idolatrous Love

發展更成熟的愛

... 在輔導工作中，夫婦經常投訴配偶與自己不同，文靜的太太會選擇了好動的丈夫，愛說話的選了一個寡言的，急躁的會選了一個「豬油包」，愛理事的選了一個漫不經心的......結婚前是被對方的差異吸引了自己，結婚後便投訴這些差異，若是了解這是一種心理力量的驅使，或許令我們較容易接納對方與自己不同。

 

浪漫的感覺淡化下來，對方吸引自己的地方成為我們投訴的重點，這時侯便是發展成熟的愛的時侯了。從關係中的失望，我們開始認識自己與人產生親密關係的形態與自己心靈的欠缺。這些認識，不是逼使對方改變來遷就自己，反之是認識自己，為自己負責任的歷程。一個在情感上需要不斷接愛回應的人，經常抱怨對方忽略自己的需要，不斷催逼、投訴、甚至在情緒上要脅對方，希望得到自己想要的回應。

 

要發展成熟的愛，這人便要學習建立安全感，學習放手，甚至學習忘己地留意別人的需要，跳出自己的框框，認識對方不是滿足自己需要的工具。這些學習，可以從認識自己的童年經驗，了解自己怎樣受制於這樣的經驗而失去了自由自主的能力而來。自己受制的地方，便是心有餘而力不足的地方。我們就是靠不斷的自省和擴展，更能為自己負責，更能看到別人的需要。對於一個慣於退縮的人來說，便是培養自己接觸別人的勇氣，接觸或許會帶來傷害，然而退縮就只會限制了自己的成長。不要讓昔日被忽略的痛苦成為一生的烙印，突破這些成長的囹圄，才能有成長蛻變的一天。

 

愛的轉化，在乎一種經驗在生命中沈澱、洗滌，獲得了情感的根基，才可以發展成有情的道德力量，兩者是結連的。沒有情的道德是教條，沒有道德的情是放縱。...

---摘錄自《同牀異夢:婚外情的轉機》，黃麗彰

pdf 文件: 發展更成熟的愛

Relationship Building Exercise: Empathic Listening

This is an exercise very good for patners in handling complaints or negative emotions. You may study with you partner so that each one of you may take the role of active listener when any one of you notice your partner is having bad feelings.

Click the link below:
pdf document - Relationship Building Excercise: Empathic Listening