The Importance of Civility

It is difficult to handle controversy and perhaps harder still to do so with true civility. From the time children begin to understand their relationship to others - as siblings, as kids on a school playground – they are socialized to avoid conflict. For some, “No fighting” and “Be nice” are messages that shaped our behaviors. For others, getting what they want by fighting reinforces the use of power and the disregard of others. How many individuals interpret and approach conflict may be traced back to these early messages. People may have learned that they can either be strictly right or wrong; that one person’s point of view is more valid than another’s; and perhaps that disagreement is synonymous with fighting. It is no surprise, then, that many would want to avoid speaking up when they disagree. This is the message that has been learned and one that has consistently been reinforced through many life experiences.

Civility however, is more complex than just “not fighting” and “being nice.” Civility certainly does not require that a person stay quiet when he or she disagrees, pretending that all is well when it is not. Instead, it means learning how both to voice disagreement and to respond to disagreement from others in a way that respects other points of view. In “The Virtues of Leadership,” Thomas J. Sergiovanni (2005) describes civily as a virtue “that embraces diversity, encourages tolerance, and legitimizes controversy. Civility builds frameworks within which people can cooperate despite their divergent views and interests.”

As much as civility may be thought of as a great character trait, it is also an attitude, a behavior, and , in the Social Change Model¹, it is a value. It requires the belief that there is not just one “right” point of view, but that everyone will see an issue slightly differently, depending on his or her background and previous experiences. Civility does not require the group to agree with every opinion that is raised, but each opinion should be listened to with respect and taken under consideration while considering the issue or making the decision…

In effect, Controversy with Civility challenges group participants to discuss diverse opionions and perspectives, while maintaining respect for those sharing other views. Without regard for respect or consideration of other’s ideas, group members can quickly lose themselves in the “heat” of an argument, preferring to “win” or give up and “lose” rather than truly understand the issue and solve the problem. By creating an environment in which various opinions are valued, a group can promote constructive discourse in order to negotiate a favorable outcome.

---abstract from Susan R. Komives, Wendy Wagner, and Associates (2009) Leadership for a better world: understanding the social change model of leadership development. 

Giving Feedback Constructively

1. Give feedback on others’ behavior, not their personality.
2. Give descriptive, not judgmental, feedback.
3. Give feedback on others’ actions in a specific situation, not in the abstract.
4. Give feedback on immediate behavior, not on past behavior.
5. Share your perceptions and feelings, not advice.
6. Give feedback only when other people ask you to.
7. Do not give people more feedback than others can understand at the time.
8. Focus your feedback on actions that the person can change.

David W. Johnson (2014) Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-actualization. Boston: Pearson. P.63.

Quotation - Paul Tillich

Distinguishing Controversy from Conflict

          A primary advantage of working in groups rather than alone is to benefit from other people’s ideas. People differ in how they perceive situations, how they think through problems, and how they creatively form solutions. It is inevitable then, that in a group of people, differences of opinion will emerge regarding what the group should do and how it should do it. While dealing with these differences takes time and willingness to listen to different perspectives, it is critical to making the most of the knowledge and talent that exists in the group.

          It is important to distinguish controversy from conflict. A conflict has opposing sides, two different positions on an idea. People align with one side or the other and debate whose side is right. Visually, conflict draws a line, with people taking a position on one side or the other. A controversy, on the other hand, also involves differing opinions about an idea; however, positions on the issue are not staked out, with one person hoping to “win” over the other. Rather than aligning with one side or another, controversy draws everyone into a circle around the idea, to discuss their different perspectives on it. While conflict is aimed at one side winning over the other side, the goal of controversy is for everyone to understand the issue from multiple points of view, in order to make a better decision. Controversy reflects a thoughtful and considered difference of opinion.

---extract from Susan R. Komives, Wendy Wagner, and Associates (2009) Leadership for a better world: understanding the social change model of leadership development.
pdf document: Distinguishing Controversy from Conflict



Relationship Building Exercise: Empathic Listening

This is an exercise very good for patners in handling complaints or negative emotions. You may study with you partner so that each one of you may take the role of active listener when any one of you notice your partner is having bad feelings.

Click the link below:
pdf document - Relationship Building Excercise: Empathic Listening

Listening with empathy

        Empathic Listening means being willing to listen solely to understand what your partner means and feels - not to judge, rebut, advise or contradict. Instead of hearing only part of what is said, guessing at the remainder and immediately beginning to frame your reply, you need to silence your critical voice and focus entirely on what your partner is trying to tell you. For a moment, it's as if you become your partner, achieving in the process a high degree of intimacy.

          The greatest impediment to empathic listening is our self-interest and self-protective mechanisms. We listen for what is of interest to us, we listen for things that enhance or affirm our position or qualities, and we listen for openings to jump back into the conversation, to relate our own views or experiences. This is natural enough, but it is a barrier to intimacy. There is no way that your response can be helpful or make sense unless you've first truly understood what your partner actually meant.

---excerpt from: Lori H. Gordons & Jon Frandson(2000) Passage to Intimacy, Revised.

pdf document: Listening with Empathy

Art of Listening

          We tend to be passive listeners, picking up only on those things that have some direct bearing on us rather than listening for how things are for our partner.

          Like leveling, listening with empathy is a learned skill, not something we develop automatically. The two crucial ingredients are:

Undivided attention
Never assume that you know something unless it is clearly stated by your partner. Always ask for clarification if you are not clear on something or if you find yourself filling in blanks for your partner.

Empathy
You need to understand fully what your partner thoughts and feelings mean to him or her. Resist the instinctive response to search for the effect that your partner's words have on you. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Notice his or her emotions, facial expression, levels of tension. Feel what your partner feels.
 

excerpt from: Lori H. Gordons & Jon Frandson(2000) Passage to Intimacy, Revised.

pdf document: Art of Listening

Active Listening Skill

Let's look at the six skills that Hoppe says contribute to an active listening repertoire:

No. 1, Pay attention. One goal of active listening is to set a comfortable tone and allow time and opportunity for the other person to think and speak. Pay attention to your frame of mind as well as your body language. Be focused on the moment and operate from a place of respect.

No. 2, Withhold judgment. Active listening requires an open mind. As a listener and a leader, you need to be open to new ideas, new perspectives and new possibilities. Even when good listeners have strong views, they suspend judgment, hold their criticism and avoid arguing or selling their point right away.

No. 3, Reflect. Learn to mirror the other person's information and emotions by paraphrasing key points. Don't assume that you understand correctly or that the other person knows you've heard him. Reflecting is a way to indicate that you and your counterpart are on the same page.

No. 4, Clarify. Don't be shy to ask questions about any issue that is ambiguous or unclear. Open-ended, clarifying and probing questions are important tools. They draw people out and encourage them to expand their ideas, while inviting reflection and thoughtful response.

No. 5, Summarize. Restating key themes as the conversation proceeds confirms and solidifies your grasp of the other person's point of view. It also helps both parties to be clear on mutual responsibilities and follow-up. Briefly summarize what you have understood as you listened, and ask the other person to do the same.

No. 6, Share. Active listening is first about understanding the other person, then about being understood. As you gain a clearer understanding of the other person's perspective, you can then introduce your ideas, feelings and suggestions. You might talk about a similar experience you had or share an idea that was triggered by a comment made previously in the conversation.
If you apply the six skills required for active listening, you will not only be known as a good listener. You will become a better leader as well.

source:  http://www.ccl.org/Leadership/podcast/transcriptthebig6.aspx