2013年9月28日 星期六

Unselfishness

          It is easier to understand selfishness by comparing it with greedy concern for others, as we find it, for instance, in an oversolicitous mother. While she consciously believes that she is particularly fond of her child, she has actually a deeply repressed hostility toward the object of her concern. She is overconcerned not because she loves the child too much, but because she has to compensate for her lack of capacity to love him at all.
 
          This theory of the nature of selfishness is borne out by psychoanalytic experience with neurotic "unselfishness," a symptom of neurosis observed in not a few people who ususally are troubled not by this symtom but by others connected with it, like depression, tiredness, inability to work, failure in love relationships, and so on.
 
          Not only is unselfishness not felt as "symptom"; it is often the one redeeming character trait on which such people pride themselves. The "unselfish" person "does not want anything for himself"; he "lives only for others," is proud that he does not consider himself important. He is puzzled to find that in spite of his unselfishness he is unhappy, and that his relationships to those closest to him are unsatisfactory.
 
          Analytic work shows that his unselfishness is not something apart from his other symptoms but one of them, in fact othen the most important one; that he is paralyzed in his capacity to love or to enjoy anything; that hs is pervaded by hostility toward life and that behind the facade of unselfishness a subtle but not less intense self-centeredness is hidden. This person can be cured only if his unselfishness too is interpreted as a symptom along with the others, so that his lack of productiveness, which is at the root of both his unselfishness and his other troubles, can be corrected.
 
          The nature of unselfishness becomes particularly apparent in its effect on others, and most frequently in our culture in the effect the "unselfish" mother has on her children. She believes that by her unselfishness her children will experience what it means to be loved and to learn, in turn, what it means to love. The effect of her unselfishness, however, does not at all correspond to her expectations. The children do not show the happiness of persons who are convinced that they are loved; they are anxious, tense, afraid of the mother's disapproval and anxious to live up to her expectations. Usually, they are affected by their mother's hidden hostility toward life, which they sense rather than recognize clearly, and eventually they become imbued with it themselves.
 
          Altogether, the effect of the "unselfish" mother is not too different from that of the selfish one; indeed, it is often worse, because the mother's unselfishness prevents the children from criticizing her. They are put under the obligation not to disappoint her; they are taught, under the mask of virtue, dislike for life.
 
          If one has a chance to study the effect of a mother with genuine self-love, one can see that there is nothing more conductive to giving a child the experience of what love, joy and happiness are than being loved by a mother who loves herself....
 
excerpt from: Erich Fromm (1956) The Art of Loving.

2013年9月27日 星期五

Selfishness

          Granted that love for oneself and for others in principle is conjunctive, how do we explain selfishness, which obviously excludes any genuine concern for others? The selfish person is interested ony in himself, wants everything for himself, feels no pleasure in giving, but only in taking. The world outside is looked at only from the standpoint of what he can get out of it; he lacks interest in the needs of others, and respect for their dignity and integrity. He can see nothing but himself; he judges everyone and everything form its usefulness to him; he is basically unable to love. Does not this prove that concern for others and concern for oneself are unavoidable alternatives? This would be so if selfishness and self-love were identical. But that assumption is the very fallacy which has led to so many mistaken conclusions concerning our problem.
 
          Selfishess and self-love, far from being identical, are actually opposites.
 
          The selfish person does not love himself too much but too little; in fact he hates himself. This lack of fondness and care for himself, which is only one expression of his lack of productiveness, leaves him empty and frustrated. He is necessarily unhappy and anxiously concerned to snatch from life the satisfactions which he blocks himself from attaining. He seems to care too much for himself, but actually he only makes an unsuccessful attempt to cover up and compensate for his failure to care for his real self. Freud holds that the selfish person is narcissistic, as if he had withdrawn his love from others and turned it toward his own person. It is true that selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.

excerpt from: Erich Fromm (1956) The Art of Loving.
pdf document: Selfishness

2013年9月25日 星期三

學習誠實地接觸情緒


一個長期對情緒缺乏認識的人,輕則脾氣暴躁,嚴重者會變得自欺欺人,缺乏真誠,最後甚至變得偽善、人格扭曲等。

其實透過接觸情緒,是一個讓我們真誠地認識自己的渠道。例如內疚,它是良知受到干擾而衍生的情緒,若然沒有內疚,我們連做錯事都不自知;又例如恐懼,它是讓我們感到安全受到威脅,再深一層來說,它是令我們知道自己的限制,自覺有限才覺悟自己渺小。
究竟要怎樣才能真誠地接觸情緒?......

一) 開放 (Non-judging)
很多時侯,批評令我們想改變和控制自己的情緒,只要對自己的感受予以不偏不倚的態度去接受,我們便能如實地察覺自己的內在經驗。

二) 耐性 (Patience)
耐性是一種智慧,有耐性的人,會明白萬物皆有時,欲速則不達,我們要對自己培養這份耐性。

三) 初心 (Beginner's Mind)
活在此時此刻,我們以「初心」的眼光來看周遭的一切,因為每刻經驗都是獨特的,蘊含生命本身的無限生機,如此我們會在平凡中看見不平凡。

四) 信任 (Trust)
信任自己、信任自己的感覺,學習聆聽自己的內在聲音。當我們對自己信任,也會更多信任別人。

五) 無求 (Non-striving)
有時我們做任何事都帶着目的,但接觸自己的內在經驗,純粹是為做回自己,純粹以活在當下的態度,接納每刻的經驗。

六) 接納 (Acceptance)
以如實的態度接納事情的本相。接納並不代表我們要喜歡或被動地面對一切,又或者啞忍任何不妥當的行為;接納只是如實地面對當下的所思、所想、所見。

七) 解執 (Letting go)
我們內心對某些思想、感受和情境都有所偏執,若是美好的經驗,我們想把它延長;若是不快的經驗,我們想除掉它;其實我們能以開放的態度放下偏執、接納事情的本相,去迎接每刻的經驗。

摘錄自黃麗彰(2006),《情緒傷害的醫治》

2013年9月24日 星期二

跨越痛苦的人

心態一
創傷令人覺得生命中有很多事情是不由人掌控的,因而體會到有一位偉大的主宰掌管這個宇宙與人生,從而建立了信念---意即不能透過肉眼證據,但卻透過一種靈性的經驗,相信那不能看見的事情。
 
心態二
雖然創傷的經驗太令人難受,但卻帶來了成長,包括自我認識,對生命的洞察等等;創傷的經歷反而增强一個人面對生命的勇氣。
 
心態三
雖然事情不能改變,但擴闊了理解事物的寬度與深度,從而增强接納事情的能力。
 
心態四
透過開放的心靈去聆聽,體諒那些傷害自己的人有其人性軟弱的一面,自己也如是,從而衍生一份虛懷,看見自己的不足。對人對己產生了體諒,增加了信任,不必要的猜度也隨之減少。
 
心態五
看見自己的不足,自己也曾傷害過別人,也曾得到別人的饒恕,於是內心衍生一份感激之情,更加能夠知足感恩。從知恩的經驗中確立自我價值,認識自己的需要,不用透過與別人比較來肯定自己,從而化解不公平與自憐的感覺。

摘錄自黃麗彰(2002),《婚姻中的創傷與饒恕》

pdf: 跨越痛苦的人

沈溺在痛苦的人


心態一
創傷令人覺得生命中有很多事情是不由人掌控的,因而內心充滿焦慮,便想操控環境來加强安全感。


心態二
創傷的經驗太令人害怕,不想再次經歷,因而把自己的內心封閉起來,不再期望,不再投入,以免再受傷害。


心態三
太多事情不如人意,沒有改變的餘地,惟有無奈地接受。


心態四
創傷帶來焦慮,不斷猜測有可能出現的不良後果;希望可以透視別人的不良動機,防患未然,避免自己受到傷害。


心態五
覺得周遭的人對不起自己,內心充滿怨忿,心靈有種不能填滿的渴求,需要不斷支取以求滿足。


摘錄自黃麗彰(2002),《婚姻中的創傷與饒恕》

pdf: 沈溺在痛苦的人



2013年9月23日 星期一

Sexual Desire

         Sexual desire aims at fusion - and is by no means only a physical appetite, the relief of a painful tension. But sexual desire can be stimulated by the anxiety of aloneness, by the wish to conquer or be conquered, by vanity, by the wish to hurt or even to destroy, as much as it can be stimulated by love.
          It seems that sexual desire can easily blend with and be stimulated by any strong emotion, of which love is only one. Because sexual desire is in the minds of most people coupled with the idea of love, they are easily misled to conclude that they love each other when they want each other physically.
          Love can inspire the wish for sexual union; in this case the physical relationship is lacking in greediness, in a wish to conquer or to be conquered, but is blended with tenderness.
          If the desire for physical union is not stimulated by love, if erotic love is not also brotherly love, it never leads to union in more than an orgiastic, transitory sense. Sexual attraction creates, for the moment, the illusion of union, yet without love this "union" leaves strangers as far apart as they were before - sometimes it makes them ashamed of each other, or even makes them hate each other, because when the illusion has gone they feel their estrangement even more markedly than before.
          Tenderness is by no means, as Freud believed, a sublimation of the sexual instinct; it is the direct outcome of brotherly love, and exists in physical as well as in nonphysical forms of love....

excerpt from: Erich Fromm (1956) The Art of Loving.
pdf document: Sexual Desire

2013年9月21日 星期六

A Group that can Fight Gracefully

          It may at first glance seem paradoxical that a community that is a safe place and a laboratory for disarmament should also be a place of conflict. Perhaps a story will help...

          A Sufi master was strolling through the streets one day with his students. When they came to the city square, a vicious battle was being fought between government troops and rebel forces. Horrified by the bloodshed, the students implored,"Quick, Master, which side should we help?"

         "Both," the Master replied. The students were confused. "Both?" they demanded. "Why should we help both?"

          "We need to help the authorities learn to listen to the aspirations of the people,"the Master answered,"and we need to help the rebels learn how not to compulsively reject authority."
         
          In genuine community there are no sides. It is not always easy, but by the time they reach community the members have learned how to give up cliques and factions. They have learned how to listen to each other and how not to reject each other. Sometimes consensus in community is reached with miraculous rapidity. But at other times it is arrived at only after lengthy struggle. Just because it is a safe place does not mean community is a place without conflict. It is, however, a place where conflict can be resolved without physical or emotional bloodshed and with wisdom as well as grace. A community is a group that can fight gracefully...

excerpt from: Scott Peck (1987) The Different Drum.
pdf document: A group that can fight gracefully.



2013年9月20日 星期五

Distinguishing Controversy from Conflict


          A primary advantage of working in groups rather than alone is to benefit from other people’s ideas. People differ in how they perceive situations, how they think through problems, and how they creatively form solutions. It is inevitable then, that in a group of people, differences of opinion will emerge regarding what the group should do and how it should do it. While dealing with these differences takes time and willingness to listen to different perspectives, it is critical to making the most of the knowledge and talent that exists in the group.
          It is important to distinguish controversy from conflict. A conflict has opposing sides, two different positions on an idea. People align with one side or the other and debate whose side is right. Visually, conflict draws a line, with people taking a position on one side or the other. A controversy, on the other hand, also involves differing opinions about an idea; however, positions on the issue are not staked out, with one person hoping to “win” over the other. Rather than aligning with one side or another, controversy draws everyone into a circle around the idea, to discuss their different perspectives on it. While conflict is aimed at one side winning over the other side, the goal of controversy is for everyone to understand the issue from multiple points of view, in order to make a better decision. Controversy reflects a thoughtful and considered difference of opinion.

---extract from Susan R. Komives, Wendy Wagner, and Associates (2009) Leadership for a better world: understanding the social change model of leadership development.
pdf document: Distinguishing Controversy from Conflict



2013年9月19日 星期四

發現受苦意義的條件

要從受苦的經驗中感悟當中的意義,究竟要什麼條件才可以配合?

一) 受教的心
一個狂妄自大的人,往往聽不到、看不見生命給我們的啟示;惟有虛己的人,隨時準備自己迎接生命的體驗,才能透過種種際遇,姑勿論是內心的呼聲、大自然而來的啟迪、別人一句提醒的說話等等,去感悟人生的真相。

二) 拿出勇氣面對
接受自己是不完美的人。當人承認自己是有瑕疵時,才不致傾盡全力自我保護,以辯解為自己脫圍,這樣才有勇氣面對自己的真實本相。惟有真誠,才能帶來真正的改變,否則只是做點門面工夫,用來遮掩一下,企圖欺騙別人、欺騙自己。

三) 操練的功課
現代人最大的毛病是心急,當發現有什麼需要改善的地方,便立即想透過意志來改變自己,以期收即時之效。然而很多生命的改變是靠每天點點滴滴的操練而來的,要真正修養品格、陶冶性情,不是用一、兩個月或一、兩年時間急速地看書、聽講座便有顯著的成果,而是經年累月,浸淫在文化修養的操練中,方才見效。

四) 安靜的功課
透過安靜的時間,讓自己獨處,不需要介懷別人的目光,不太着意人家的評價,只是靜靜地、如實地察看自己,才可以發現自己的本來面目。有時太留意別人的反應,內心衍生擔心、恐懼、憤怒,有時不能自拔地指控別人,有時苛刻地自我鞭策,這些反應有如心靈的塵埃,消耗很多心力來應付,令我們看不清自己的本相。

五) 內省的功課
一日三省吾身,透過內省、觀察自己的一切內在經驗驗,不加以評價、不加以辯解,純粹以一個內在的自我觀察認識自己。這種內省的能力是人類最寶貴的禮物之一,還未泯滅的良知便是這個內省能力的彰顯。

六) 從大自然中感悟
筆者有一些朋友,他們自小從鄉村長大,我發覺他們都有一種悟性,是在城巿長大的人所缺乏的,他們彷彿有一種內心的豁達,有一種因大自然而培養出來的悟性。我相信這種悟性不是靠人為的建築物可以領受的,因此多與大自然接觸,可洗滌心靈,提高悟性。

七) 聆聽忠告
有了安靜的心,便可以分辨哪些是別人惡意的攻擊,哪些是別人誠實的忠告。透過別人誠實的忠告,可以帶給我們很多提醒,亦從別人身上,看見自己的本相。

摘錄自黃麗彰(2006),《情緒傷害的醫治》
pdf : 發現受苦意義的條件



2013年9月18日 星期三

Dedication to Reality

          ...The third tool of discipline or technique of dealing with the pain of problem-solving, which must continually be employed if our lives are to be healthy and our spirits are to grow, is dedication to the truth. Superficially, this should be obvious. For truth is reality. That which is false is unreal. The more clearly we see the reality of the world, the better equipped we are to deal with the world. The less clearly we see the reality of the world - the more our minds are befuddled by falsehood, misperceptions and illusions - the less able we will be to determine correct courses of action and make wise decisions. Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost.
 
          While this is obvious, it is something that most people to a greater or lesser degree choose to ignore. They ignore it because our route to reality is not easy. First of all, we are not born with maps; we have to make them, and the making requires effort. The more effort we make to appreciate and perceive reality, the larger and more accurate our maps will be. But many do not want to make this effort. Some stop making it by the end of adolescence. Their maps are small and sketchy, their views of the world narrow and misleading. By the end of middle age most people have given up the effort. They feel certain that their maps are complete and their world view is correct (indeed, even sacrosanct), and they are no longer interested in new information. It is as if they are tired. Only a relative and fortunate few continue until the moment of death exploring the mystery of reality, ever enlarging and refining and redefining their understanding of the world and what is true.
 
         But the biggest problem of map-making is not that we have to start from scratch, but that if our maps are to be accurate we have to continually revise them. The world itself is constantly changing. Glaciers come, glaciers go. Cultures come, cultures go. There is too little technology, there is too much technology. Even more dramatically, the vantage point from which we view the world is constantly and quite rapidly changing. When we are children we are dependent, powerless. As adults we may be powerful. Yet in illness or an infirm old age we may become powerless and dependent again. When we have children to care for, the world looks different from when we have none; when we are raising infants, the world seems different form when we are raising adolescents. When we are poor, the world looks different from when we are rich. We are daily bombarded with new information as to the nature of reality. If we are to incorporate this information, we must continually revise our maps, and sometimes when enough new information has accumulated, we must make very major revisions. The process of making revisions, particularly major revisions, is painful, sometimes excrutiatingly painful. And herein lies the major source of many of the ills of mankind.
 
          What happens when one has striven long and hard to develop a working view of the world, a seemingly useful, workable map, and then is confronted with new information suggesting that that view is wrong and the map needs to be largely redrawn? The painful effort required seems frightening, almost overwhelming. What we do more often than not, and ususally unconsciously, is to ignore the new information. Often this act of ignoring is much more than passive. We may denounce the new information as false, dangerous, heretical, the work of the evil. We may actually crusade against it, and even attempt to manipulate the world so as to make it conform to our view of reality. Rather than try to change the map, an individual may try to destroy the new reality. Sadly, such a person may expend much more energy ultimately in defending an outmoded view of the world than would have been required to revise and correct it in the first place.
 
excerpt from: Scott Peck(1978) The Road Less Travelled.
pdf document: Dedication to Reality
 

2013年9月17日 星期二

Love Defined

 
         ... Love is too large, too deep ever to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words.... One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at  a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.
 
          ...First, it may be noticed that it is a teleological definition; the behaviour is defined in terms of the goal or purpose it seems to serve - in this case, spiritual growth....
          Second, it may be notice that, as defined, love is a strangely circular process. For the process of extending one's self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one's limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being. Thus the act of loving is an act of self-evolution even when the purpose of the act is someone else's growth. It is through reaching toward evolution that we evolve.
 
          Third, this unitary definition of love includes self-love with love for the other. Since I am human and you are human, to love humans means to love myself as well as you. To be dedicated to human spiritual development is to be dedicated to the race of which we are a part, and this therefore means dedication to our own development as well as "theirs".  Indeed, as has been pointed out, we are incapable of loving another unless we love ourselves, just as we are incapable of teaching our children self-discipline unless we ourselves are self-disciplined. Is is actually impossible to forsake our own spiritual development in favour of someone else's. We cannot forsake self-discipline and at the same time be disciplined in our care for another. We cannot be a source of strength unless we nurture our own strength. As we proceed in our exploration of the nature of love, I believe it will become clear that not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand but that ultimately they are indistinguishable.
 
          Fourth, the act of extending one's limits implies effort. One extends one's limits only by exceeding them, and exceeding limits requires effort. When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion - through the fact that for that someone we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.
 
          Finally, by use of the word 'will' I have attempted to transcend the distinction between desire and action. Desire is not necessarily translated into action. Will is desire of sufficient intensity that it is translated into action. The difference between the two is equal to the difference between saying 'I would like to go swimming tonight' and 'I will go swimming tonight'. Everyone in our culture desires to some extent to be loving, yet many are not in fact loving. I therefore conclude that the desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will - namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. On the other hand, whenever we do actually exert ourselves in the cause of spiritual growth, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.
 
excerpt from: Scott Peck(1978) The Road Less Travelled.
pdf document : Love Defined

2013年9月14日 星期六

愛情與夢想

          ......每一個人都曾經有過夢想,人自孩提時代,在繽紛鮮艷的貼紙、色彩豐富的童話故事中,已經開始織夢。在青少年時期夢想逐漸成形,在成年時期以生命抉擇、職業、生活形態把夢想體現出來;有時侯,人亦會被迫在現實的壓力和種種限制下,把夢埋藏。
 
          夢想是甚麼?夢想一方面牽繫於個人的潛能氣質,另方面是對世界的感知和回應。夢想可以說是人自孩提起與世界交往接觸而產生的憧憬和核心願望,也是推動一個人進取前進的生命力量。
 
          一個少年人感知世界顛沛流離,而又有幸碰見可羨慕的偉人榜樣,可能會產生夢想成為革命家、醫生、宣教士、社會工作者;一個敏感而情感豐富的心靈,接觸到世界的變幻多姿、喜怒哀樂,可能渴望成為音樂家、畫家、文學家、藝術工作者。
 
          有些人在成長過程中慢慢將夢想孵化成可以投身的事業,然而更多人的夢想缺乏水分、陽光栽培,於是夢想只有一個含糊的輪廓。例如一個人的志願是可以多關心別人、幫助別人,或者可以自由自在,環宇飛翔。
 
          有一些人卻未能深入地探索或發揮自己的內在氣質,夢想建基於某些匱乏經驗的追認補償,例如要出人頭地、吐氣揚眉,高薪厚職、生活舒適,不再受人白眼,或一洗窮酸悶氣。這是匱乏文化的特殊現象。經濟起飛了的西歐社會,有更多青少年人的夢想是外展的,挑戰自我限制的,如攀登額菲爾士峰,做一個戰地記者,或科學研究員,研究宇宙、海洋、星際的奧祕。
 
         有些人限於一些強大的外在合模壓力,可能從來就沒有成長的空間,也沒有被引導認識自己、感知世界,只不過世襲他人的願望,如父母、長輩或社會的期望,做個成功人士,做醫生、律師、會計師,做一個合流而有體面的人。未曾建立自己夢想,或早年夢想夭折的,最容易在中年以後,或退休時期出現目標真空的危機感,對人生感到莫大的悵惘。
 
          許多時候,人的夢想代表了這個人的生命核心,包括他一生的關懷、他的生命取向,和人生的價值所在.....
 
          人生是一段旅程,人生出來便展開了尋覓意義,背負使命的行旅。一個人獨自在人生旅程中尋夢,自由自在,可以全神貫注,無後顧之憂,可是沒有共享共分擔的伴侶,這樣的旅程也是孤單的,所以,情愛與婚姻是一份恩賜、是一種抉擇,這個伴侶能否配合我的人生步調?能否與我同步前行?我對他的愛和照顧能否與自己與人生的熱愛和追求並行不悖,抑或水火不容、互相埋怨、彼此拖累?
 
          ......說到底,終身廝守的愛情本身也是一個高貴的夢想。既然,每一個被創造的人都是一個尊貴的仁者,那麼,我們不是去嫁或娶一個服侍我的僕婢、一個使我體面的裝飾品、一個隨我使喚的助手;而是必恭必敬地迎接一項神聖的使命,從對方父親手中接來一個可貴的生命,終身保謢她/他、愛護她/他,竭力尋求她/他的幸福,彼此尋求對方的幸福,相識相遇,此生不渝。


摘錄自霍玉蓮《怎可以一生一世》


pdf 文件: 愛情與夢想

2013年9月13日 星期五

Being Loved

          IS LOVE an art? Then it requires knowledge and effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is a matter of chance, something one "falls into” if one is lucky? This little book is based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the majority of people today believe in the latter. Not that people think that love is not important. They are starved for it; they watch endless numbers of films about happy and unhappy love stories, they listen to hundreds of trashy songs about love — yet hardly anyone thinks that there is anything that needs to be learned about love.

          This peculiar attitude is based on several premises which either singly or combined tend to uphold it. Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable. In pursuit of this aim they follow several paths. One, which is especially used by men, is to be successful, to be as powerful and rich as the social margin of one's position permits. Another, used especially by women, is to make oneself attractive, by cultivating one's body, dress, etc. Other ways of making oneself attractive, used both by men and women, are to develop pleasant manners, interesting conversation, to be helpful, modest, inoffensive. Many of the ways to make oneself lovable are the same as those used to make oneself successful, "to win friends and influence people." As a matter of fact, what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.

          A second premise behind the attitude that there is nothing to be learned about love is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object, not the problem of a faculty. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love — or to be loved by — is difficult. This attitude has several reasons rooted in the development of modern society. One reason is the great change which occurred in the twentieth century with respect to the choice of a "love object."

          In the Victorian age, as in many traditional cultures, love was mostly not a spontaneous personal experience which then might lead to marriage. On the contrary, marriage was contracted by convention — either by the respective families, or by a marriage broker, or without the help of such intermediaries; it was concluded on the basis of social considerations, and love was supposed to develop once the marriage had been concluded.

          In the last few generations the concept of romantic love has become almost universal in the Western world. In the United States, while considerations of a conventional nature are not entirely absent, to a vast extent people are in search of "romantic love," of the personal experience of love which then should lead to marriage. This new concept of freedom in love must have greatly enhanced the importance of the object as against the importance of the function.

---excerpt from: Erich Fromm(1956) The Art of Loving.



pdf document: Being Loved

2013年9月11日 星期三

Four Kinds of Emotions

          Emotions can be divided into four main categories. The biologically based category is called "adaptive primary emotions"; two more culturally based categories are referred to as "secondary emotions" and "instrumental emotions"; and a final category, in which biological and cultural factors interact, is called "maladaptive primary emotions".

          It is only the experience and expression of adaptive primary emotions that convey biologically adaptive information that aids in problem-solving, unified action, and constructive interaction. Secondary emotional reactions often take the form of defensive coping strategies and are couterproductive in creating change; their expression is, in fact, often problematic...
Instrumental or functional emotions are emotions that serve a primarily interpersonal function and are often referred to as "roles" or "manipulative feelings"; examples are expressing helplessness to gain sympathy or expressing anger to avoid responsiblity...

          Maladaptive primary emotional responses are direct immediate responses to situations, such as fear of heights, in which the biological response has become maladaptive. These come about through a negative learning history in which certain feelings become conditioned to particular stimuli...
Primary emotions, as opposed to secondary reactive and instrumental emotions, are often not fully in awareness... It is "getting in touch" with these feelings that seems to be helpful to therapeutic change. When a woman is able to fully experience the loneliness or fear underlying her aloofness or a man is able to experience without blame the hurt he feels, the couple will melt into genuine intimate contact...

excerpt from: Greenberg & Johnson (1988) Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

pdf document: Four Kinds of Emotions


2013年9月9日 星期一

Idolatrous Love

  
       

         A form of pseudo-love which is not infrequent and is often experienced as the "great love" is idolatrous love. If a person has not reached the level where he has a sense of identity, of I-ness, rooted in the productive unfolding of his own powers, he tends to "idolize" the loved person. He is alienated from his own powers and projects them into the loved person, who is worshiped  as the summum bonum, the bearer of all love, all light, all bliss. In this process he deprives himself of all sense of strength, loses himself in the loved one instead of finding himself. Since usually no person can, in the long run, live up to the expectations of her (or his) idolatrous worshiper, disappointment is bound to occur, and as a remedy a new idol is sought for, sometimes in an unending circle.
          What is characteristic for this type of idolatrous love is, at the beginning, the intensity and suddenness of the love experience. This idolatrous love is often described as the true, great love; but while it is meant to portray the intensity and depth of love, it only demonstrates the hunger and despair of the idolator...

excerpt from: Erich Fromm(1956) The Art of Loving


pdf document: Idolatrous Love

2013年9月6日 星期五

發展更成熟的愛




... 在輔導工作中,夫婦經常投訴配偶與自己不同,文靜的太太會選擇了好動的丈夫,愛說話的選了一個寡言的,急躁的會選了一個「豬油包」,愛理事的選了一個漫不經心的......結婚前是被對方的差異吸引了自己,結婚後便投訴這些差異,若是了解這是一種心理力量的驅使,或許令我們較容易接納對方與自己不同。
 
浪漫的感覺淡化下來,對方吸引自己的地方成為我們投訴的重點,這時侯便是發展成熟的愛的時侯了。從關係中的失望,我們開始認識自己與人產生親密關係的形態與自己心靈的欠缺。這些認識,不是逼使對方改變來遷就自己,反之是認識自己,為自己負責任的歷程。一個在情感上需要不斷接愛回應的人,經常抱怨對方忽略自己的需要,不斷催逼、投訴、甚至在情緒上要脅對方,希望得到自己想要的回應。
 
要發展成熟的愛,這人便要學習建立安全感,學習放手,甚至學習忘己地留意別人的需要,跳出自己的框框,認識對方不是滿足自己需要的工具。這些學習,可以從認識自己的童年經驗,了解自己怎樣受制於這樣的經驗而失去了自由自主的能力而來。自己受制的地方,便是心有餘而力不足的地方。我們就是靠不斷的自省和擴展,更能為自己負責,更能看到別人的需要。對於一個慣於退縮的人來說,便是培養自己接觸別人的勇氣,接觸或許會帶來傷害,然而退縮就只會限制了自己的成長。不要讓昔日被忽略的痛苦成為一生的烙印,突破這些成長的囹圄,才能有成長蛻變的一天。
 
愛的轉化,在乎一種經驗在生命中沈澱、洗滌,獲得了情感的根基,才可以發展成有情的道德力量,兩者是結連的。沒有情的道德是教條,沒有道德的情是放縱。...


---摘錄自《同牀異夢:婚外情的轉機》,黃麗彰


pdf 文件: 發展更成熟的愛

2013年9月2日 星期一

Relationship Building Exercise: Empathic Listening

This is an exercise very good for patners in handling complaints or negative emotions. You may study with you partner so that each one of you may take the role of active listener when any one of you notice your partner is having bad feelings.

Click the link below:
pdf document - Relationship Building Excercise: Empathic Listening